Emetophobia

Emetophobia is an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting.



For a long time I haven't felt comfortable sharing a phobia of mine that I have struggled with for nearly 14 years now. I have always been looked down on because of my fear because it is irrational, and I am very aware, but what no one seems to understand is that this anxiety is completely uncontrollable. And telling me I need to just "get over it" is quite frankly rude, because trust me, I would if I could. My question to you is, do you think I enjoy planning my life around avoiding vomit? Well maybe after I provide some insight into my every day anxiety, you all can understand, even slightly, how it feels to be an emetophobe.

 It all started when I was seven years old. My family went on a vacation to a cabin, in the dead of winter, with only an outhouse. My body decided that would be the time I would get the stomach flu. I was sick all night, forced to get sick in a  giant garbage bag. Ever since that terrible night, my crippling fear has gotten worse and worse. Once I got into high school, it settled down because I felt like I had the ability to avoid the stomach flu, or vomit of any kind, because at this time I hadn't been sick since the night in the cabin. Quite honestly I felt like it was under control until about a year ago when one morning I went to get Bauston from his crib and found him, and everything in his crib covered in puke. I held onto hope that it was food poisoning, but not even 24 hours later, I was kneeling in front of the toilet and losing my dinner. Ever since then my fear turned back into a phobia.

I'll give you an idea of what it is like to be an emetophobe when the unthinkable happens, you witness someone vomit, or even worse, you vomit. It's so bad that if someone even says their stomach hurts, you avoid them at all costs, you refuse to touch anything they touch, and if you have to, your hands won't feel clean for hours, no matter how many times you wash them. If you have a stomach ache, your heart starts to race. then the uncontrollable shaking starts, and I don't mean a little shiver, it's like you are practically seizing. Then comes the thinking, you can't get the sound of someone throwing up out of your head, the memory of throwing up or seeing someone throw up replays in your head. What do most people suggest? Go to sleep. Go to sleep? It's impossible. It is inescapable.

The past few weeks I have had a panic attack almost every night because this awful thing. I refuse to let my child play with another child until I am positive they are healthy, and that means have not been sick for two weeks or preferably longer. I don't want any more children because of how contagious this virus is. If someone has been at my house and they have been sick or I fear they are becoming sick, I disinfect everything. I carry hand sanitizer with me and Wetones wipes (the only brand proven to kill the rotovirus and the norovirus) and wipe down everything, credit card machines, shopping carts, door knobs and list goes on and on.

I'm sick of this phobia. It's not a joke, and it's not something I can just kick. I need professional help, but I don't even know where to start.

I appreciate anyone who understands, and thank you for reading.

XO Ella